A Circle of Sisters and Brothers of Spirit and Scholarship
Marriage Troubles: Disrespectful Wives January 10, 2015,
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Charlotte, North Carolina
Over the past few weeks, I’ve had the privilege of speaking with several brothers who all have the same problem: their wives are disrespectful and insubordinate to them. This is sadly a very common problem in our culture. What can a righteous man do about it? In each case, my advice to them has been the same: Have an unimpeachable character. If a man’s character is aligned with our Father’s standard of ethics, then he is qualified to earn respect. Fall to your knees and cry out to Yah for help to win her heart. Treat her with gentleness, kindness and love, but never in a way that compromises your first commitment, which is to honor and obey Yah in all things. Don’t be a “man-pleaser” or, in this case, a “wife-pleaser.” Sit her down and speak with her face to face, gently instructing her that you have made a decision, based on Yah’s written instructions, to set a certain policy in your house. It is now up to her to do what is right and submit herself to your authority, as Yah instructs. Now sit back and watch what happens to her. Yah stands by the words of a righteous man (Proverbs 15:29, James 5:16).
If your wife follows your righteous instructions, things will turn out well for her. If she disobeys your righteous instructions, things will go badly for her, and, as a result, she will soon learn the value of submission. But what should you do if she becomes verbally abusive or if her tone of voice is disrespectful? According to the wisdom given him, Sha’ul wrote in 1 Corinthians 11:3, “I would have you know, that the head of every man is Messiah; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Messiah is Yah.” Would we ever speak with Yahshua in a disrespectful tone of voice? Unless they are very well taught by a righteous father, women today simply do not understand that they are disrespecting Elohim and disrespecting their Messiah when they disrespect their husbands. They also do not realize how hurtful they are being to their husbands and, by association, to their families and even themselves. Again, sit her down and in a gentle way, teach her that her disrespectful words bring you a great deal if pain. Ask her if she would speak to Yahshua in such a disrespectful way, and then read this verse to her. Let her know that, just as she would not speak disrespectfully to Yahshua Messiah, so the head of the house should not be disrespected or condescended.
If her disrespectful words continue, then simply remind her, “Woman, I am not your little boy.” Although, I wouldn’t recommend being disrespectful or condescending even to little children, this phrase will remind her that husbands should be addressed with decorum and respect. If she fears Yah, her disrespectful tone will soon change. It is important to take the time and patience to teach wives (and daughters) proper etiquette when interacting with their husbands. Teach your wife what is written in the Scriptures regarding her role. Inform her that you will do your part to obey Yah’s commands, and she should also do her part to give you respect and obedience. If she wants a man who fears and obeys Yah, then she should do her part to fear and obey her husband. What if she breaks down in tears? When a wife cries, a man’s first inclination is to fix whatever is causing her pain, but in this situation, when a wife’s actions are shown to be unrighteous and she breaks down in tears, her tears may not be because she regrets her unrighteous actions. Rather, as women sometimes do, she may be using her tears as a form of control. Unrighteous women sometimes do this, and men, you must resist the temptation to apologize for your righteous words and behavior. If you have not been righteous, then by all means apologize and fix what you have done wrong, but if you are correct in what you say and do, then do not apologize just to make her feel better. Never be sorry to do what is right. Never pervert righteousness. Although Yah hates divorce, He permits divorce if the husband has found some “uncoveredness” in his wife (Deut. 24:1). “Uncoveredness”, or “ervah” in Hebrew, is not adultery; adultery is a capital crime. To be “ervah” is to be literally uncovered in terms of clothing; perhaps she is bearing her nakedness to other men and in this way, a wife becomes figuratively uncovered from the authority and protection of her husband. In such circumstances, a man is permitted to give his wife a certificate of divorce and put her away, and men have a huge advantage over women when it comes to divorce. Also, as it is written in Scriptures, it is adultery to marry a divorced woman, but even after a divorce, a man may rightly remarry a woman who is eligible for marriage. (A maiden is certainly eligible for marriage, proving her father approves). Perhaps if they realized this, women would not be so cavalier about divorce but would try much harder to do what is needed to keep their marriages intact.
If wives knew the truth of Yah’s Words, then perhaps they would show a bit more respect to their husbands. But this is where husbands come in. Husbands are to provide for, protect and teach both their children and their wives. Feminists have infused our culture with perverted ideas and one of the most heinous is the lie that prompts women to believe that their submission to their husbands will lead to abuse or neglect. Nothing could be further from the truth. A woman’s submission is what endears his heart to hers, keeping him faithful to her. A man is happiest when he performs the role that he was created for as leader, protector, provider and teacher. In reality, most divorces, 75%, are initiated by the wife, and that number goes up to 90% among the college-educated. Contrary to feminist dogma, in this culture of effeminate men and disrespectful women, it is women that most often leave their husbands. Victoria and I have been married for 16 years. I’m thankful to report that our marriage is blissful and fulfilling, but it was not always so. Because we did not know the Word, our marriage had a horrible beginning. I certainly did not have unimpeachable character and was not worthy of respect. Victoria certainly did not have any inclination to be submissive to my authority.
Thankfully, as we both studied the Scriptures and decided to apply them to every aspect of our lives, our marriage steadily improved. At one point early in our marriage, just after I started really studying Scriptures and just before she realized that doing so is a good idea, Victoria thought I had turned into a religious nut-job. She considered reporting me to the “church authorities”. She even threatened to leave me and take my two children with her. I fell to my knees and cried out to Yah; I knew I couldn’t change her heart, but thankfully Yah knew how to. A very well-timed experience brought Victoria to the realization that her faith was phony, and that prompted her to start reading the Bible on her own. With time, she began to realize that it is a good thing that her husband is studying and obeying the Scriptures. She started to realize that when she humbled herself and followed my instructions -- even if they didn’t make sense to her – things would turn out well for her. When she disregarded my instructions, things went badly.
These days, Victoria ministers to other women who are having marital problems. Her advice works very well when it is followed. She tells women to treat their husbands like they are heroes. “If you expect your husband to be righteous and submit to Yah in obedience to His commands, then you must do your part to submit your husband.” She then throws in advice about putting sexy lingerie to good use. This advice usually makes feminists’ heads explode, but the advice works; we’re talking about a married couple, after all. One woman who recently took this advice reported back to Victoria that her marriage had completely turned around for the better. Her husband asked her recently, “What did you do with my old wife? Don’t bring her back.” She reports that her husband has “softened a lot”. Thankfully, their marriage is now strong, which is good, especially considering they have a few children, and children need for their parents to have a stable marriage. Yah has given us written instructions on all important matters, including conduct within marriage. Man is the head, and the wife is the helper. He is to love and protect her, and she is to reverence him. When we correctly apply Scriptural principles, marriage becomes a sanctuary of bliss and fulfillment for the whole family.